We got the call!!

Yesterday, I got home from work and was just cleaning out my purse and throwing out old reciepts so I could move my stuff into a new one when our home phone rang. I checked the caller ID and then almost let it go to voice mail because it's almost always sales calls of some kind but the name on the call looked sort of familiar and I decided to answer it and I'm so glad I did because it was one of the social workers telling us we were matched again - and that the baby girl is a week old and that they want us to go to meet the mom on Wednesday and that there's a possibility we can go right from meeting the mom to picking up the baby from cradle care from there. It all seems so unreal and yet this feels like it's it - Kris even has much more peace about this match than he did about our first one. There's so much more to tell, but I want to wait until after our baby Jordie is home with us. We will most likely be naming her Jordan Alexandra (Alexandra Anne is her name right now). Praying this match is it and that we'll bringing home our baby tomorrow!! Yikes - there's so much to do.

Seriously looking into foster care...

I can't believe we are actually doing this - it seems so crazy to me in some ways - like what are we thinking that we can't even see the domestic infant adoption with our agency through? And I can almost guarantee that our agency will say we can't do both at the same time and that if we want to do foster care or foster to adopt that we would have to drop out of their program. That would be a huge decision to make to determine if we'd be willing to do that or if we think that's where God is leading us.

The main thing Kris and I are on very different pages on is the age of child - Kris really talks a lot about a teenager - most likely a boy and I still would like an infant placement and we've been told by other foster parents where we live that we could specify wanting an infant or younger child and I was also very surprised to hear that with foster care infants can be difficult to place - that is so surprising to me since in our agency's domestic infant program that's all we all want - newborn babies. And I must admit I still want to experience that newborn or at least some portion of the baby stage very much.

I don't know though - I feel this urgency for some reason to find out as much as we can about the possibility of fostering. We know there's such a need and I know that Kris' whole life prepared him to be a foster parent, but I wonder about myself though? What in my life has really prepared me for fostering? I guess if it's God's will then it's been God himself preparing me in ways I haven't probably even realized yet.

And when I think about the domestic infant adoption program I really question the need for it - I mean I know in some cases there is a need and there are babies that need homes but there are so many couples waiting for these infants and not enough infants usually available and that's how it should be in that program.

Thoughts

I haven't been writing on my blog lately - I seem to even be avoiding it and I'm not sure why. Anyway - we've been having some issues with our social worker. She doesn't seem to connect with Kris at all and also seems to be projecting some of her own personal issues onto us. We really feel like she thinks Kris and I don't connect well and that we're on the same page with the adoption and it feels like it's mainly because she and Kris don't connect all that well. He's told her that he doesn't trust social workers because of all the bad homes he was put in when he was a kids in the foster care system. And it makes perfect sense but she doesn't seem to understand that and it feels like she's trying to force things with Kris. So, we started the counseling that the agency is requiring of us and it was so much better than we expected and it really reaffirmed our marriage and that we are connecting and tht Kris does sense when I need extra support. And we were even able to freely vent about our struggles with Betsy and how Kris feels blamed for some things going wrong with the match. And then there was the comment I made to Betsy about being lonely - she took that to mean I was lonely in my marriage when I'm not - I'm lonely because I don't get invited places because I don't fit into the kid filled worlds of any of my friends and they just don't think of me very often. But she said how she knew what it was like being in a lonely marriage with her ex-husband and I think that's what she thinks we have but overall at this point in our marriage we don't. It's just hard when we feel like we have to really prove ourselves and that our marriage is strong and on track just because our social worker and Kris don't connect all that well.

Marriage Counceling

So, at the insistance of our agency we are going to be embarking on marriage counceling. We've never done anything like this and even though in the end it will probably be a good thing I'm nervous. But I spoke to my husband's employee assistance program and they will pay for our 1st 3 visists which I'm thankful for and then if we need any other sessions we'll only have a $15 co-pay. I guess we can handle that and the recommendation from our agency was only 4-5 visits anyway so maybe it won't be all that bad. I guess I'm glad our agency is seeing things that are needed and not just letting us struggle through things all alone - it's more than most of our friends and family have done to be honest - they've moved on it seems and probably expect us to have done the same.

Yesterday's meeting

We went and met with our social worker again yesterday. It's been a little bumpy because we sort of have different ideas of how to approach all of this than she does. She told us to discuss things related to the failed match for 20 minutes each day - and I appreciate what she was trying to do with that to have us connect more with each other and be more aware of each others needs and we did the best we could with that but there were times when it felt so forced. And we talked about that before we went back to meet with her and we agreed between us that it didn't have to happen every single day but if either of us needed to talk something out that we could. We thought that would be ok and we told her and she said - well if you want to move on in this program you are going to have to do these things - wow - I thought they could be a little bit more flexilbe with us on this. And as the meeting went on I think we did show her our willingness to do what needs to be done but that we need a bit of flexibility. She is requiring us to find a licensed counceler to meet for some short term marriage counceling. That was tough to hear at first but I think we both understand that we can work on some things now so that we are better parents when the time comes. So, now we're going to be checking with both of our work places and seeing if they have programs for free counceling - I'm pretty sure one of them should so we don't have to be out a bunch of extra money. I just pray we can find someone that we can both feel comfortable with and trust.

What?? Am I losing my hair now??

This morning I was getting ready for work and blow drying my hair when I noticed a bunch of hair in my hand and when I looked closer it looked like it had sort of broken off at the roots. I have never experienced this ever and I was sort of freaking out while looking at quite a bit of hair entertwined between my fingers and in my brush. I just got my hair highlighted a few days ago so I guess it could be from that but I've had my hair highlighted many times before and this has never happened. So, now I'm worried that this is from stress. Is this a symptom of loss? I thought I'd gone through loss before with the infertility and being so depressed and angry and all the other emotions that went along with that but God helped me through that and I have moved onto peace with the loss of my fertility. But now the loss of this baby girl that we thought we were going to be bringing home - it has been difficult and yes I've cried over it, but is it harder on me on a subconcious level that I have even realized? And how long will this go on for? I really have no answers - but I know I don't want to be losing my hair. I guess it is a wake up call to be taking care of myself better than I have been recently. I don't know it's just so hard to know what to hope for next. We go to meet with our sw tomorrow again and we finally read the first chapter in the book she gave us tonight. I guess the biggest thing we can take away from it for now is that we hope to learn to be content, well adjusted adults if only for our future children.

Meeting with our social worker

I want to write a bit more about how our meeting with our sw went this past Thursday - my husband really didn't want to be there - he's been wanting to stuff his feelings but she's going to have us meet with her once a week for a while to help us grieve the loss - she said the emotions will be very similar to a miscarriage - which it does sort of feel like minus the physical stuff. She also wants us together to spend 20 minutes a day talking about things and if anything triggered any emotions, things like that and she also gave us this book called Growing up Again - Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children. She said that because dh had so many holes in his childhood and that there are parts that he doesn't remember due to being in so many foster homes that it will be most helpful for him. They call it "uneven parenting" instead of dysfunctional parenting that it's supposed to help people through and to avoid passing on certain parenting mistakes from our childhoods she thinks it will be helpful for us. And she wants us to go through each chapter together and we'll talk about that when we meet with her each week so we're going to have to do it. I left the meeting sort of hopeless just becaues dh didn't open up all that much and just seemed to want to avoid everything. But later in the evening he did sit down with me and we talked through things and really seemed to have gotten somewhere so hopefully he'll embrace the process instead of avoiding it. I know our sw said we'd need each other to rely on and she sort of called dh out to start realizing that needed to be worked on in our marriage even before kids. So, for now I don't think they're even going to be presenting us to any families until we get through some of this grieving and with her helping us because she said if we jump right back in and we're matched without properly grieving we'll bring too much fear into the match and it won't be a good thing. So, as much as we would probably want to have another match quickly it's probably better this way. So, all that to say I am thankful for the extra support we're getting from our agency right now because without it I know we'd be struggling all on our own because other people in general just aren't saying much at all and seem to be avoiding us. Which really feels lonely and sucks because if people don't know what to say I do understand that but at least just treat us like we're normal and not to be avoided or something you know?